Confessions of a Reassurance Junkie

# 26 The ex factor

2010-02-03T08:34:00.000-08:00

I'm not really sure where I am going with this so bare with me as I ramble. I have had " the ex-factor" on my mind for a few days now. I think we have the rules all wrong.
Here are the rules as they exist now for any self questioning Reassurance Junkie.

1) Place hands over ears and sing loudly when the ex's name is mentioned.

2) Destroy any and everything that ever had to do with that "creature" that haunted your spouse before you saved them from everlasting hell.

3) If you are subjected to hearing a nice word uttered about the ex, quickly compare something much better that you have done.

3)Always swear to be oblivious to such behavior , You have no problem with the ex right? That would be silly.

We fear the "ex" for 2 reasons. Either they have stolen you spouses's innocence, broke his heart and you will never really be able to compare to their "connection".
~ Or~
They were wonderful and it was just the " wrong time" for the two of them to be together. This is worse because you will live daily in fear that she will somehow pop out of your closet sporting your beloved's heart in her hands never to return it.

The truth is both of these reasons and anything else a card carrying reassurance junkie could come up with are silly. Yes there is going to be the odd person out there who jumps into rebound land too fast and goes back to the ex. If this is you, I am truly sorry for you but truth is, they weren't worth what you have to give.
If this is not you then you, and likely its not, then you are just a good old worry wart like the rest of us ( I am defiantly writing this one from experience).
My husband put it too me best once in the middle of one of my trembly shaken teary "I feel like being neurotic and this is my topic of choice" moments.
Sev happens to be friendly with his ex, I am finally ok with this , but believe me it took time. But he said to me, " she is an ex for a reason". That sounds way to simple right? but really it is all you need to know.

The other side of the ex factor that has become obvious to me is that the ex spouse is an untapped resource.
There is no one who will relate more too your poor unsuspecting partner's daily irritations than they will. The flip side of that is when the ex makes the mistake of saying anything negative about your beloved, you are as defensive and a lioness! ( or Lion, I forget sometimes that men may read me Hello boys!!!!!!) This defensiveness sends you straight into the arms of your oblivious other half who think that you must be really happy they did the dishes or something to that effect.

My point guys is that the ex spouse is probably not a scary monster, just a person who's ticks didn't match well enough to stay with your spouse. I wanna thank the ex girls in my darling's life, he wouldn't be with me if it had worked. Well I would hope he wouldn't be with me if it was still working but that is a whole other post!!
xo
S

Still here

2010-01-24T11:28:00.000-08:00

Hello again! I'm sure that the 8 of you missed me terribly while I have been on Hiatus. There was no planning my hiatus, truth is I freaked out. People were starting to pay attention to my screwball universe and actually READ what I had to say. Nothing will freak me out faster than thinking I might actually have set an expectation for myself to live up too.

So here I am , after Christmas, broke, feeling mildly sorry for myself and 15 lbs heavier than I was. IT MUST be writing weather.
Actually I got to thinking about what was keeping me from my blog and my devoted 8 fans.

I am not just your average Reassurance junkie apparently I am also an instant gratification junkie. 6 months blogging and the money wasn't running in the door yet, no one was emailing me wanting the rights to turn my blog into an edgy "Generation X all grown up instruction manual"
I must have failed, I suck , I quit. ( insert sheepish look of realization here)

As with all great temper tantrums I have returned probably not any smarter, but defiantly calmer.
What is the moral of this story? I am afraid this time not much other than a case of *Stella get off your ass and write cause you want to- itis*
so love me or not, I'm back at it .

Happy Christmas, Holiday, Yule, Hanukkah , ..etc..

2009-12-07T08:54:00.000-08:00

* sings* its beginning to look alot like Christmas.. everywhere you go
The stores are over stuffed
The homeless have not enough
And folk around seem to glow ( they're freezing)
Its beginning to look alot like Christmas ( I mean Holiday)
Everywhere you turn
The visa Bill is high
The bank account is dry
Its Christmas after all!!

IF you had not guesses this is my small but significant rant on the commercialism of the Holiday season.
I wont get in to why and how is is entirely wrong to blow the bank on Christmas. IF I had a bank account to blow, I might be tempted to do just that, but as I do not I have been forced to be more frugal than usual. I have discovered something wonderful, I have discovered ( cheese warning and disclaimer) the meaning of this season.
SO as I say I will not rant, but I will say this, make this season count for someone in your life who cant do it for themselves.
Most people that are really in need work 9-5 and still cant make ends meet. You cant look and see whether or not someone can afford to buy bread let alone Christmas presents for their kids.
The working poor are just that .. poor very very poor. IF you have a friend having a tough time likely they will not ask for your help.
Make some one's holiday this year.
Anyways , Happy Holidays, or in my world Merry Part and Happy Yule!

# 24 The Color of Moxi

2009-11-05T09:07:00.000-08:00

Well here we are another week of trials, tribulations, and asking ourselves all sorts of pesky questions that have no answer. The sad truth is that that is a good week for me.
My newfound mantra of “find your moxi” has lead me to discover rule # 2 for regaining one’s Moxi: Color.

Everyone has a color, this is the color that you think of when you feel invincible. There is one color for everyone that projects fearless and powerful and vibrant! You know it, you are thinking of it right now. I might as well have a spy camera into your mind I know you are seeing it right now.
My color is RED. Not a soft lovely red, I’m talking down and dirty red light special red. The type that you wear under a business suit to feel outrageous all day. The red that makes you feel like that only woman alive that all men or women or both want and all of them are afraid to touch. That is my super color.

You may be thinking that I have gone off my rocker and I am just desperately searching for a new post topic but fear not! I am not in a more rapid decent to madness than usual, there is a point here I promise.
My point is just this, if you identify your color; find a way to wear it, everyday for 3 days. There is NO WAY that you will not feel fabulous because this is the color that means fabulous to you.
For me, I paint my nails, and then I can see my color all the time.
I have shoes that color too, I call them my Friday shoes as they remind me of Dorothy’s ruby slippers from the wizard of OZ, they oddly seem broken though , I keep clicking but I don’t manage to get home, I don’t get it.
Tangent averted and back to color. Find it! Feel it!
This is probably a more positive post than usual from yours truly but hey even I can be cheery, chipper, annoying even just ask Sev!

Try it! Be a rainbow if you have too but find it.
I think this will be the last of the moxi posts. Frankly I just have no idea where to go from here; I am far from wise and all knowing.
I am more in the land of closing my eyes, crossing my fingers and hoping for the best.

I don’t have much more to say than that I guess.
Cheers for now. My moxi and I are heading out to live happily ever after!

Confessional # 23 The Quest to rescue the Moxi begins!

2009-10-26T09:38:00.001-07:00

Its Monday! Must mean its time to solve the world's relationship puzzles again! Well actually I think I just like to hear myself talk but hey who's keeping score?

So after my tragic realization that my Moxi had been taken captive I pulled myself together and devised a plan to rescue the fair maiden Moxi ( and my sanity and self worth) from Frumplestiltskin and Matronadon.

The first phase of my plan is to draw the map. Everyone has things they loved about their former fabulous self. There are things that you almost expect in your secret mind , that people will compliment you on. Or that one things that you do, not because you like it but because you know , every time, someone will say
" wow you are really good at that" and you can nonchalantly say
" oh you think so? thanks",
meanwhile we are thinking yeah baby tell me again!
For me its Karaoke. I sing the songs that I know will stop the room, I feed off that look, love it love it love it. Then I pretended it's no big deal when I'm done. You do it too I know you do!

We all have those few things and they are the key to begin the quest. They are the treasure map to Moxi!
Write down at least 5 points that you LOVE about your former fabulous self, could be anything.
Here is my example "Map to Moxi"

1) I can make people laugh.. come on you know you're laughing or at least smiling
2) I am a great cook
3) I have fabulous taste in shoes, no really I mean its really good
4) Love my " once was natural now slightly chemically altered" red hair
5) when I sing, people stop and look
6) I have more insight and empathy in my little finger than some people do in their whole life
7) Animals love me

OK so now that you have your map, put it in your pocket and carry it around all week.
The secret to reading the map, is that you have everything you need to feel good at the tips of your fingers.
Any time during the week you are feeling like Frumplestiltskin or Matronadon are peeking in your window just look at the map. It will always show you where to dodge them.
It's a powerful shield. DO this for one week! I promise you will begin to see that the path to Moxi is not that far!
HA! HA! HA! HA! Frumplestiltskin and Matronadon we are coming for you! Fear not Maiden Moxi you will be getting your groove back in no time!

* alright everyone can now make the obvious " How Stella got her groove back " joke and have a good laugh now. I know I did.

Confessional # 22 Help! I lost my Moxi

2009-10-22T21:31:00.000-07:00

Help! I have lost my Moxi!! No sadly Moxi is not a pet , well actually once upon a time I had a cat named Moxi but she was the definition of a " fraidy cat." The definition for " Moxi" is : The ability to face difficulty with spirit and courage; I definatly think she may have been wrongly named.

I digress and get back to my own issue. I have lost my moxi.
I realized this when yesterday I decided to wear a skirt to work and put on darker lipstick than usual.
I got to work to find that my co-workers were more than just stunned at my apparent transformation they were commenting all day that I looked good. My customers were commenting that I looked good. This was all wonderful and I was over the moon until of course I started thinking about it.

Why do I do that to myself??

See the problem was not so long ago I was a walking spitfire, I would have thought nothing about making sure that I was striking no matter where I went. I always was sure that I made a statement. I was walking moxi and sass! Have I really come so far down the fashionista feminine foodchain that simply putting on a skirt and lipstick causes people to stop and notice?

This rocked my little world, I went and looked through my closet thinking that this frumpy monster taking over my life must be stopped, tragically in my closet I found more of the same slightly dowdy " work clothes" and NOTHING that I would feel daring to walk out the door in.
When did this happen? How did Frumplestiltskin take over my spinning wheel and turn all my sass into slump? I refuse to take this lying down. I am declaring war on Frumplestiltskin and the evil overlord Matronadon!!!!! They will be stopped. I am not a slightly chemically altered mostly natural redhead with a snappy sense of humor for nothing!
I shall reclaim the stolen moxi!!!

~RIP to Moxi the cat, you are dearly missed by all but Evan. he is happy to sleep in your spot~

Confessionial # 21 White lies broke my mirror

2009-10-20T10:43:00.000-07:00

The other night when Sev and I were watching TV I heard one female characters say to a single friend " we are working on our marriage, we really want to make it work". This is a common practice and theory in alot of relationships that have been long standing, The idea that when a relationship is showing many signs of being broken that if you just " tough it out" and " find the love" that you will be fine.
I think it's bullshit. I am probably alone in that thinking but here's the way I see it.

In my somewhat shady fairly broken and mostly disfunctional relationship history one thing has remained true. I would have been way happier if I had just listened to the little voice in my head that was SCREAMING at me to turn and run, not jog, run in the other direction.
NOPE I always have stuck around whether it was a day a week a month or 5 years to see what the next day may bring and if it was going to somehow magically be different.
No one just puts it in plain English. It wont change, not today , not ever.
I can see you all nodding and agreeing with me so here is the question.
Why do we convince ourselves with little white lies in the mirror that it will be somehow better tomorrow? IF you are casting magical mirror spells to make your partner seem like " the one" you would be better spending time on Eharmony to clean up your emotional mess.

One person's nightmare is another person's .... well nightmare but they might not think so. Be honest with yourself, don't waste time when you don't know what you have, if its right and if you are really in the relationship of you lifetime then no matter how much they piss you off you will never have to look in the mirror and convince yourself they are the right person for you. I promise this, take it from me I am married to the most opinionated man on the planet and its not a challenge to love him. This may make me clinically insane I have accepted the possibility. Its fun in my world!

For the rest of you who do not think I am wise and all knowing repeat the following chant in the mirror every day every morning for the rest of your life and then you might stand a snowballs chance in hell of changing things.

mirror mirror on the wall
I just want to have a ball
I don't want diamonds and flowers
I just want the man to clean the shower
I don't want a ton of magical wishes
Just someone to dry the dishes
and if I could ask just a little more
GET YOUR DAMN LAUNDRY OFF THE FLOOR!

Confessional # 20 My Very Own Island

2009-10-03T20:13:00.000-07:00

I have made a decisions. I would like to buy an island. Not just any island. One that is far far away from any tall two legged fleshy mammal known as human.
My small human may accompany me I think I would miss her if she were not with me but other than that NO ONE ELSE.
We would call our island " La Isla No bullshitica" and we would live there in peace.
I would send for a ship every week or so to bring Sev for a visit. If he abides by the cardinal rule of the island , the " no bullshit" clause then he can possibly stay on dry land for the whole time he is there. I will have Rodgers magical Internet stick for my laptop so that I may communicate with my 5 devoted readers and you wont miss me too much.
I would follow in the footsteps of Mcgiver and Gilligan making strange and wonderful things from coconuts and sticks.
We would have a great life on " La Isla No Bullshitica" . There would be no petty ranting over who is going to pay for this and that as there would be no money.
All supplies would be brought to us by Sev and the ship that I will radio with my coconut when we are in need.
My child would befriend apes and civilize them. We would eventually help usher in a whole new breed of people/monkeys that would have no idea the other lamer version of human exist off our island.
Christmas would be simply called " Happy non-denominational so no one has a chance to bitch and lets just give each other a new coconut" day
Halloween we would always dress as the same thing... " look at me I'm a tree!!"
we would build a beautiful fully furnished home with a swimming pool and cable TV with our Coconuts and sticks. ( its my fantasy let me have it )
In short, life would be bliss on " La isla No bullshitica" but since I can't buy a house, let alone an island I think tonight I will have a glass of wine.

Confessional # 19 Ramble babble babble

2009-10-02T20:40:00.000-07:00

I am mildly melancholy tonight. I don't have alot of reason to be.
I am thinking about my nameless book, the pages that one day will fall out of my head in a sensible order so that I might put them together in a readable fashion. At this point in time the stories are not complete so they can't come out yet.
I often wonder if other people ponder and brood as much as I do.
I do NOT think I am a drama queen just easily bored. I can never get passed thinking then over thinking then over thinking my over thinking and inevitably causing a tailspin of some sort.
I fail to understand my blue mood tonight, maybe I am broody and blue. That makes me Bluedy or Brue take your pick.
I think there is wisdom though in over thinking. I am never short of things to talk about , in fact I get amazed when Sev says Im quiet, Im never quiet, at least not in my mind.
This is making me sound quite mad, and English.
This is a good thing, if people think you are crazy then you can get away with doing things outside the box and it is just expected of you.
I guess I didn't really have much to say tonight. Mental fodder. Verbal Diarrhea.
More later maybe I will have a stroke of genius as the night goes on.
Cheers for now
S

Confessional # 18 Im a chicken.

2009-09-28T19:03:00.000-07:00

The thing I truly loath about my personality is the tendency I have to morph into this supportive little creature who tends to forget what I am all about.

This was excusable through teen angst, young motherhood and abusive relationships. I have run out of excuses.

Sev is forever telling me that I should write, more than a blog even though I love you all * kisses to all 4 of you that read me* , but I always think no no no HE is the writer in the family I can live out HIS dream.

No offence Sev but blah blah blah blah . That is a load of crap , that is me just being chicken.

SO I am going to try and figure out how to not be a chicken anymore.

good to eat not good to be.

I'm sure I must have a book in me somewhere. I think...

Anyways no more into my head tonight, I'm sick and going to swim around in the bottom of a rum tottie for a while. That should feel better . Night all.

Confessional # 17 the Marital montage

2009-09-26T19:29:00.000-07:00

I am not a crazy person, well not totally, all my insanity is well placed and useful in day to day life. But I hate it when the other me comes out.

Granted that sounds just a little bit nutso but frankly if you have read the rest of the blog and are still reading, you already think I'm nuts. Either that or you are crazier than I am and just don't care.

The last option is that you know me in real life and are being kind. Either way you are here so I will tell my little story.

I had a melt down today.. for no reason that I was able to voice. I am fairly worried about what is happening with my hands that don't want to work and my back that plagues me. Combine these things and you get a whole lot of misplaced anger.
I was informed that I have ' the angry hour'

apparently at night, the same time every night aliens come and take me away and replace me with a lunatic that is unhappy when sev so much as breathes.

Silly poor unsuspecting partner he has no idea that I am quietly wishing that my feet didn't hurt, wanting my hands to work, wondering what the hell is happening to me.

But I ask you , do I say anything?? nope. I brood.

Now in my defense Sev is not the very super duper bestest at being an emotional support. he holes up in his man cave pulls the cave door shut and thinks about what he can do to make Stella's world better. Meanwhile, Stella is still outside the cave yelling you stupid jerk just let me in your cave.

Sev does not open the cave door cause a crazy lady is yelling outside and he is scratching his head with his club trying to figure out how to help Stella.

Bad bad bad circle. But we had the conversation that I think is mandatory at least once a year. I have no clever name for it right now, so we well simply refer to it as the marital montage. This strewn together snapshot version of everything that is wrong with one another. You each manage to feel superior for parts , and inferior for parts. you talk over each other, you yell at each other. Some one makes a stupid joke at the wrong time just to see if you are still fighting. For once this was me , usually the other way around.

After the first hour, the scene changes a little, you start talking and not yelling, then after an hour of that everything seems to just fade out like nothing happened.
This was my weekend. I think we are done for another 6 months or so.
Aftermath is fun though, we really like each other right now .

I swear I should write the handbook on marriage , if I could only follow my own rules, where was our talking stick??
more later
xo
~S

Confessional # 16 Im Number 1!!! Now tell me I'm wonderful!

2009-09-20T14:06:00.000-07:00

Can I have your attention boys and girls! the Jackass of the week award goes toooo.........STELLA!!!!!!!!!!!!
"thank you thank you
I would like to thank nameless jerky Ex's because without them I never could have been the effective unsupportive creepy lunatic that I have managed to be this week!".
S0? wondering yet?
Let me pose a question out there, what do you do when poor unsuspecting partner is struck by inspiration and decides to try their hand at a hobby or art form that you have always been very good at. Something you take great pride in being great at. Something that SHOULD be difficult for the average joe to just pick up and do.
Well my darling is no average Joe, and for all of you that have read his blogs you know this well. Sev decided he was going to write a song...
( everyone who knows me outside of blog land just went " Oh man".)

I went into this uncontrollable passive aggressive ultra bitch mode.. I don't even like me this week .
poor unsuspecting partner came to me for help several times during this week. I helped him too the point of arguing when we had a difference of opinion. the difference being it needed to be MY WAY!

There is no teacher like life though, through this week I have come to understand something more about my little Reassurance Junkie nature. No one told me that I wasn't good at my music, no one said Stella you suck I can do it better. Silly really , I would have gone all over my daughter for acting that way. Sev just told me a I was a lunatic , laughed at me until I laughed at me and we moved on. That man! I could wring his neck most days, but I wouldn't trade him for the world. Don't tell him it would ruin my cover.

The moral of the story , at the end of the week I just had to suck it up, its a good song and my hubby and his moose-like ego is off and running with it. You never know, maybe its a hit, the kid is humming it today.

Confessional #15 How old are Men in people years?

2009-09-15T22:18:00.001-07:00

Tonight I had the chance to experience something that rarely happens in a moms life... GIRLS NIGHT! Amongst the flowing Sangria and the little pieces of cheese on sticks we got to talking about our loving boys.

The conversation went to the same place it always does when women stand around and talk about their husbands , something like this " oh they are so immature" or
" Men never grow up they are big kids"

So riddle me this, if we know this already why complain. There is a formula to this take the mans chronological age, minus eight years and then add 2 years for every marriage or long term serious relationship. This will give you your mans " age in people years"

I know there are men out there that are trying really hard to disagree with me right now, but you cant so come on just have the laugh, you know you want to.
But here is a small note to all the women reading me at the moment, there is another part to this puzzle that is being left unsaid.
Women complain about their " immature" men , they fart, they make bad jokes, they don't listen, they leave socks on the floor and used Kleenex on their side of the bed.

YOU DO IT TOO! Men are the ones we can be our silly gross immature selves with. lets face it there is something wonderful about being able to make bodily noises freely.
I think the Sangria may still be talking , maybe I should just go to bed.
Cheers to girls night!
oh if I do the math Sev is 34 in people years, just incase anyone wondered

Confessional # 14 What? your not Pyschic? Where's my Warranty?

2009-09-14T09:10:00.001-07:00

In the rule book of life , it should state that all people have the ability to enforce telepathy upon their partners when needed.
Example, last night I was watching inspirational TV about medical miracle people, started thinking about my own medical problems ( I am a 29 year old arthritic mess ).
Now if Sev's spidey sense had been working he would have heard the chain of thought coming together in my mind and in turn he would have been prepared for me to hit the mute button on the commercial , burst into tears howling about my uncertain future walking around.

But as Sev's spidey sense was not working, and he was pouring his heart and soul into his work at that given moment , he had no idea what the hell I was talking about.
Sev stared at me dumbfounded as I proceeded to wail , and then change gears about how he wasn't reacting and wasn't being caring blah blah blah. Poor hubby was still trying to get what I was talking about in the first place.
Once again , I come to one of my earlier points Cats and Dogs. Sev was being the dog, head cocked staring while the " cat" yowled and yowled wanting the dog to come over.
What dog in their right mind would come over?.

Moral of the story? when the rogue emotional wave is coming warn your poor partner.
tell them you are an emotional nutcase and their may be a teensy bit of out pour.
Really they live with you they already know you may be prone to blither a little.
The other thing is when your partner is caught off guard as out poor specimen Husband X was, give him a little slack, he was minding his own business in man land . You busted down the door like a battering ram and then wanted a hug.
IF we translated that in to physical terms you would have walked over , slapped him, then wanted snuggles because you hand hurt.

Oh being a woman is NOT always fabulous!! Thank god he has a good sense of humor!

Confessional # 13 How will I let it go

2009-09-07T20:20:00.001-07:00

Dear he who I will not name.
I would like to go back in time and make you feel small. I would like to yell so loudly that all you would hear for the next 10 years was my voice whenever someone yelled.
I would like to drink all night, then force you into a car, watch your eyes as you are terrified I might drive off the road, then threaten to push you out when you dared say anything.
I would like to make you feel worthless, even when I knew you were doing your best to get me to love you , I would like to tell you its not good enough.
I would like to know for the foreseeable future, that you would have to ask always for approval because I had convinced you that you needed it.
I would like to make sure that you forgot all the things that you loved to do , until your passion was a faint whisper in someone else's life. I would like to make sure you were consumed buy only my wants and desires because I did not have room for yours.
I would like to go back to our home and tell you not to let anyone in while I was gone. I would like to threaten you for calling an old friend to talk.
Just like you did I would like to check the call display to see who you had been talking to while you shook and looked nervous in case I didn't approve.

I would like to have many sexual in discressions then come home and tell you about them, that would give me power for when you got upset, then I would yell because I had already been honest with you .
I would like to go back in time and not let you call your mother, or leave you home alone to make the house perfect.

I would stress you to the point of having nose bleeds. You would have to throw away one of my shirts because you bled on it while ironing, and you knew I would be angry.
I would not be caring for the pain in your life, or for your dreams, or for your fears, I would be sure that the only fear that mattered in your life was me.

you would feel like a prisoner after we broke up because I would force you to live with me claiming that you owed it to me.

I would like to go back and make sure that you had bruises , some on the skin and some that went so deep no one would ever see the marks until you couldn't control it anymore.

I would make you a martyr because it would be all you knew how to be anymore. I would destroy you and make sure that it would take years to bring you back. I kill your innocence.
I owe you that.

In the little moments

2009-09-07T00:43:00.000-07:00

Its the little moments in life that make a real difference. Today Sev and I were laying in bed doing one of our favorite things, no not THAT favorite thing. we were reading a book together. Yes I know how very 80 year old person that is but it's still one of ours.
It was finally raining loudly on our tin roof after a month of very hot dry weather. It was a perfect afternoon.
Made me stop and think today I am mindful , today is a good day.
Stella

Confessional #12 Go away! Come back where are you going??

2009-09-01T21:29:00.000-07:00

SO why is it that men never get the concept that they just have to be psychic, perfect, strong, sensitive, funny, but not gross, but gross sometimes, but only when its funny, Superman and Clarke Kent all at the same time, with just a little Batman thrown in for fun. They also need to be rich but not selfish, faithful but not boring, and never angry when you are sneaking a menu peek.
Then most important part is that they must know that go away leave me alone rarely means that , exept when it does, and no one is going to tell you what makes the differnence because the truth is no one knows.
This one is a deal breaker folks , the brave unsuspecting parteners of our dear R-junkies would all let you know that the " go away , come back" dance is not co-dependant, its the R-junkie's kryptonite. R-junkie gets cranky tells poor unsuspecting partener to " leave me alone"
Poor unsuspecting partener complies,
R-junkie is mortified and offended! "how could you leave me like that when I am so obviously upset!!"
in all honestly really just let us throw our little R-junkie tantrum. This is your only key to sucsess, dont try to understand it is fairly pointless.
your best bet, just keep walking, this dance never ends and acutally if you can find it in your person to wait it out, the R-junkie will more than likley laugh at themselves when its all said and done

Goal clothing is a cruel joke!

2009-08-21T18:51:00.000-07:00

STEP AWAY FROM THE " it will fit soon" RACK!!

So I have been thinking about this whole diet thing. This week I decided when my clothes didn't fit and I found myself staring at double digit sizing on the rack that maybe it was time to do something about my " womanly curves". Yeah my husband is no help he keeps saying " your tiny and your beautiful " blah blah blah of course I am tiny and beautiful to him, his is 6'2" and programmed to think I'm cute. But my own mirror mirror on the wall has been abducted by some weird distortion of me that sideways slightly resembles me when I was the happiest I have ever been. News flash, this time I don't have a newborn. WHY IS MY FIGURE THE SAME THEN?? So I decided somethings has to change.

So I began going through the usual rituals, pulling out everything that I felt gross in , sending it to the second hand store ( my closet echos now) putting together all these mental images of what I am going to be like, signed up for all the healthy eating websites ( sparkpeople.com is a good one actually for all of you who want to not pay for weight watchers) and then I came to the pinnacle of diet ritual errors. I tried on the goal clothing.

Goal clothing is the worst thing you can possibly do, sure its wonderful when it fits and you are looking good, but if you have gotten there the way I have most often ( caffeine cigarettes and no sleep or the " low carb" sausage and cheese brick diet) You wont stay in them long. Thats worse than not fitting in the first place. I am no saint though and do not practice what I preach I have goal clothing, actually HAD. I tried them on and whammo! the evil mirror mirror on the walltook me and stretched me into this rolly polly flesh hanging out of all the wrong spots too much junk in the trunk, interior, hood, and cab version of me! I felt worse than I had before AND I ate 2 pieces of pie the kids had made , no calories there I swear!.

Moral of the story, something still has to change, I think I am forced to accept the fact that I have to exercises there is no way around it. my ass wont kick itself I will have to get off it I guess!

But stay away from goal clothing, it looks cute on the rack, buy it in your size you will feel fabulous looking good and will be motivated to reach your goals more so than focusing on how fleshy you feel!

testing please wait

2009-08-14T18:45:00.000-07:00

Ok so my computer blew a gasket, well actually a fan. I am at the moment currently using my mom's computer. ITs the Electronic Model T so takes a while to do much of anything. I may not be dazzling anyone with my dashing sense of humor, heart wrenching tales or jaded opinions for a while until I get it fixed but I will surely get here as often as I can. Keep checking back! I shall miss you
S

Confessional # 10 Reassurance Junkie rules of Wooo

2009-08-11T20:38:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I am a big believer in dating. That was never true until my dearest darling decided that I should know whats its like to be " wooed".

Now my woo-o-meter was what we could call low, but we would be LIARS. It was non existent. The closest that I had ever come to being " wooed" was being offered a cigarette when I ran out by my ex husband. The only flowers I had ever recieved were from his mother in his name as she worked at flower shop. That was my fault for marrying someone who wasnt done calling for mommy so needless to say when my husband told me that I was the girl that deserved " the notebook" I laughed at him and then went home and cried privately thinking that no man actually knew how to give it.

The biggest problem I had was I had never learned how to be taken on a date. Why? I had never dated me. Seriously , the best company you will ever have on a date is yourself no matter what. YOU understand everything you mean, you have all the same opinions, you like the same food, likely you are going to go home together and want to go to bed at the same time... if it goes any farther well I guess that's your biz not mine. Point is you need to KNOW how you want someone to treat you on a date. Especially for us reassurance junkies its so imperative that you have a little mental rule book since we seem to get a little dense and weak in the knees when the first slack jawed yokel looks up and says " yur purdy". YOU need to know that your " purdy" going into the date.

My advice, is after you have taken yourself out for a nice dinner, maybe a movie, ,feel all warm and fuzzy inside cause all your needs have been met and you are relaxed go home and write the " he better do this or he's out" list. all the things that you would have liked mr right ( or ms right) (or mr/ms right for the night if you roll that way)to have said or done then Voila! you have dated yourself and know what to look for from the prospective. Sounds easy right? it is as long as you stick to the rules

1) anyone who breaks out of character on the first date and breaks into loser man even for a second is gone

2) if you don't feel amazing I mean over the moon stupid grade 8 giddy amazing after the first date then don't go again

3) 2 days no call and its game over.

4) go out and rent " he's just not that into you " its the R-junkie dating rules in a nutshell .

Confessional # 9 Bang! pulled my trigger,

2009-08-09T23:26:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I am a person who has had the unfortunate experience of being with one of those guys who we shall just call Brutus. Now Brutus thought it was a really good idea for me the " little woman " to do all this dishes , clean his house, while he was out with the girlfriend of the week. WHEN I decided to say anything about this to Brutus as its in my nature to do, he used to like to get really big , scary, loud and on the rare occasion when was in finer form he used to like to put me through things like coffee tables.

This was years ago. I would love to say that for the most part I am fine. Actually the opposite is true, for the most part I am totally messed up I hate loud noise, I don't care for confrontation, and men on a whole are pretty friggin scary creatures.

So naturally I would marry a man who is loud by nature, has a short temper with the human race, and who stands at over 6 feet tall. Makes good sense right?

So anyways I am easily triggered I know this so when hubby dearest goes over the top and bitches out some dude who is being a complete jerk on a writing forum. I lose my mind. Silently but totally lost my mind.

Here is the thing I am sitting here now pissed. why am I pissed? not because I am sure I almost threw up my entire days consumption when he was yelling at dum dum on the phone, but because I am now totally bothered by his presence and there is nothing on the planet that will make me able to tell him why. It will pass and I know that. But for the moment now I want more than anything to turn around and just yell. Find a way to say that every time there is something that makes him angry he morphs in my mind to someone that used to be so deadly poison. That more than anything I just want there to be peace and happiness in my house again. That I am torqued that I paraded around in a cute little number just to show him that I could be cool in the face of confrontation and not freak out but his response was to ignore the fact. I wore it for an hour after that with jeans underneath and was totally unnoticed even after I took it off.

I feel that he doesn't know the fragility of who he married. I know he just thinks that I will bend like a wet noodle to who ever has something cross to say to me. Not true. It just has to matter a whole lot. right now I would love to yell at the Dude who was a moron too cause its midnight and my husband has now spent the entire night dealing with stupid shit slinging instead of me. There is the junkie in me a little but yes I was trying really hard to be noticeable tonight , it mattered and it failed. on that note I sign off for the evening.

FYI.. he is a very good man, a loving man, just sometimes a very very very blind man

Free book Download I found on Facebook

2009-08-09T22:55:00.000-07:00

As a writer of sorts I like to give a leg up in any little ways I can. I thought this was cool , check it out

Breaking the Girl

Random moment of literature haha

2009-08-09T15:49:00.001-07:00

The Ultimate laugh your a** off article. this articles were just too funny not to share. consider it the laugh of the day

Pluto, the weird kid hanging out on the fringers

Pluto update

Planet Pluto Update, the Enemy has won

more later its been a messy day.

Stella

The Reassurance Junkie Anthem. Pink is my Hero!

2009-08-08T15:07:00.000-07:00

Pink is my friggin hero! And she hit the ball outta the park with this one,

Confessional # 8 Whats in a name?

2009-08-08T01:49:00.000-07:00

OK. This has me griped.

I was having a conversation with my husband tonight as we were sitting there having a nice coffee at Tim Hortons and I realized that we didn't have the same conversation that we did when we were dating, friends, or even engaged. Now if I was 50, fine, I could deal with that but really I am 29 and we have been married for 6 months. This is not my first kick at this can, actually if you want me to be honest its my third, so I am not new to the term " wife". Although my first marriage was a fleeting moment of teen angst, my second a follow up to a big belly and whoops there's a baby, and now this one which I actually want to be in ( novel idea), I have an issue with the term " wife".

Why? well here's why, no matter what there are certain stigma's attached to it, there are certain things that seem to be psychologically embedded like lines of code into a woman's head when she turns the " wife " corner.

You can be the best of friends, madly in love , everything is perfect but then the evil taffeta tendrils coil up in a woman's brain on her wedding day, then its all all down hill from there. Suddenly we seem to feel soley responsible to make sure that this man that we have loved without pretense or issue is going to morph suddenly into this mythical creature " husband".

The man is usually fairly caught off guard by this transformation. Sometimes it can go unnoticed for awhile, the first signs are usually brought on by sort of advance made by the poor husband.

Husband cops a feel, wife turns around , gives him the stink eye and says.. you really think that is going to get you somewhere, have you heard of conversation?? try having one if you want to get anything else..

Poor dumbfounded husband stands there bewildered wondering who this alien was in his house and what happened to his girl that he couldn't pull off of him 6 months ago.

Does this mean that the wife doesn't still feel the same about her husband? No, she is just stuck in the " wife" cycle of thought.

We don't mean any harm by it really, we don't even really mean to do it. But every woman does. It is beaten into our heads through TV, jokes, and our parents in one fashion or another that the " wife" likes to complain about the husband, crank that the housework isn't done, bitch at the kids, be Martha Steward and GI Jane all at the same time and somehow not explode in the process.

THIS IS STUPID.

All of us ( especially the reassurance junkies out there ) need to take a big deep breath and realize that actually it isn't the husbands that are all that different that when we got married its us, we went from being Jenna Jamison wanna Be's with our guys to being June Cleaver wanna Be's and really Ward wasn't all that great.

So here is my solution, its really easy, when you get married remember this one thing, do not become husband and wife, seriously , get pronounced life partners , or friends for life, or something cheesy but do not feed the psychological beast or you will be forever regretful. I'm telling you this from experience nothing feels worse than opening your mouth to say I love you and having " did you take out the garbage out? come out.

Dear Noisy Head

2009-08-06T23:07:00.000-07:00

Dear noisy head.
I would largely appreciate it if you would be quiet tonight. I cant seem to sleep, eat or breathe through the clanging and banging you are making for no good reason. This shall be my third attempt at sleep and I would like to mimic the cat who seems to have built in Prozac. Stop talking to me about my mother that must live with us, the ex husband who lurks in the background, the house falling down around me or the work I am facing in the next while. Take a nap brain, I would like to do the same and we can continue our debate on how to handle this little thing called me in the morning.

Confessional # 7 . Liars! Salvation is not in the icecream bucket!

2009-08-04T21:59:00.000-07:00

So where does the sad little R-Junkie go when the whole world is OBVIOUSLY talking about them when they are not looking? The place that never says no of course. Hello Refrigerator how I have missed you .
Riddle me this, how is it that we know we're going to do it, we know its not going to make us feel any better and we know we are going to swear staring at the 3 digits on the scale that we will never do it again and we dive in anyways??? Because they went and said smoking causes cancer that's why, otherwise we R-Junkies would all just be skinny bitches with bad teeth!.
whew now that's off my chest I go back to the fridge, there it sits shining down at me like a little swirly rainbow colored angel. Hello Ice cream!
Now I'm pretty sure that when we are very small, those of us who are prone to R-Junkie-ing are taught that salvation from all that wronged us at any time is found in the ice cream bucket, but they never tell you which flavor, we spend our whole adult lives searching bucket after bucket looking for that icy equivalent to the holy grail. Sadly all we ever find is a sticky spoon, a bloated belly and a head that still is brooding over what plagues us. The way I figure it, here is the truth to decoding ice cream salvation. different flavors for different problems, its just a riddle is all
Men problems = chocolate, dark, light, smooth, or nutty, all you have to do is just melt them a little and you have a softie, or give them a cold shoulder to harden them up.

Women Problems = Neapolitan you can always count on never getting the same combination in a serving no matter what ritual you follow to get them into the bowl

Work = citrus twist, expect it to be just a little bitter.

Parents = Butterscotch ripple Classic approach with a slightly different presentation every time. proceed with caution and DO NOT MIX with other flavors, ever.

match the flavor with the problem and you will rest easy!
Proof is in the pudding ... er ice cream.

Best site I found all Day!

2009-08-04T21:55:00.001-07:00

Because I love to have an opinion! http://www.digg.com Its a cool little site

Confessional #6 Dear Mr Cranky Pants

2009-08-03T23:42:00.000-07:00

Tonight the sarcasm is out the window, all I want to turn around and say to you is deafened by the screeching of my own voice each time I try. I will turn around soon, head to bed after finishing my computer sun tan and you will have no idea that really I have been all day just wanting you to come over and tell me you are happy to have me in your life.
Do I know that already? yeah of course I do, but that is the sad curse of the R-Junkie, some days we need to hear it more than others, although we are never very good at saying so.
What makes today different, well , nothing that really matters I guess, just residual dust settling from old photos and letters. I'm pretty sure that a few pieces of my old teenage/20-something fragile glass heart cut me today when I was reading through some sad stories. The amazing part of my brain is that it isn't good enough to look around my life today and think, wow I really have it good now, nope, I needed to hear that I was important today.Junkie junkie junkie am I! Sadly that will be the end of that this evening I will shortly say goodnight and you will STILL not have morphed into Noah, ( I think I have to pick a new movie this one's broken) and maybe tomorrow you will no longer be Mr Cranky Pants and I can get back to reading way to much into everything you say like normal! Luckily you are 98% the best man on the planet.

Confessional # 5 Memory lane is full of potholes.

2009-08-03T18:27:00.000-07:00

SO today just for fun I thought I would go through old photos and letters and everything I could that may or may not bring up wonderfully painful memories of assholes past. This left me feeling low, feeling like the woman I was when I was 20 , ( a whole eternity of 9 years ago) was this fantastic creature that the world had maimed and killed. So what did I do to make myself feel better? Armed with my head full of old emotions and unfulfilled promises of old I marched in where my husband was peacefully working away and stared. When he finally looked up to see why I was staring. I sighed and walked away.
So this little dance did not net the results I was after as my poor husband's spidey sense was NOT tingling. He was unable to read my mind and know that I needed him to morph into Noah from " the notebook" and sweep me off my feet, all the while not getting in my way cause I was busy and its hot out.
SO a few minutes later I am back to do the same dance, this time armed with a heartfelt piece of literature I had written when some idiot had not called for 24 hours or so. My poor unsuspecting partner listened and nodded when I was done. I was so enraged that he didn't compliment my prose, or hug me for my broken heart 10 years ago, or morph into Noah!!
This began the afternoon of the silent battle only problem was I was the only one in the fight. I'm pretty sure my husband is still shaking his head. Moral of the story. Old photos and stories from never never ago, are junkie fodder! You will always find a reason why your life was perfect then and suddenly your poor unsuspecting partner failed to morph into Noah. You WILL start wondering if his shirt is always wrinkled and you just didn't notice, or if he had not shaved today just to drive you mental. You will become CERTAIN that he timed his burst of laughter at the exact moment you were deep in though just to make your day worse. Inevitably you will then go and yell at the poor soul for all of the things I listed above. The only way to avoid this is to sit with your old photos ALONE, and when you feel the urge, yet at your cat. They don't care they are just like you anyways ( see confessional #4). In any case, when you are starved for romance and your husband has the gall not to be able to read your mine, morph, and solve the world and leave you alone all at the same time I want you to remember this.
Romeo and Juliet is one of the most classic romances of all time... but I'm not so sure they had the right idea anyways. They both ended up dead at the end. MY fellow junkies, just breath the past is past for a good reason and the here and now well, it will never be perfect, the shirts will always have wrinkles and the laughter badly timed. The grass is still pretty green where you are sitting , and if its not.... water it.

Another Random site

2009-08-02T21:04:00.000-07:00

Weird, I love it. clicky the words to find out why

Confessional # 4 Cats and Dogs

2009-08-02T20:21:00.000-07:00

I would say that men are really easy to figure out but actually the rules of surviving life as a reassurance junkie are pretty true for both sexes. Today I wanna talk about not the differences between men and women but the differences between cats and dogs.

Both look to be similar, furry, have 4 legs, a tail, like to be cuddled, like to be played with, like to know that breakfast and dinner is going to be provided from somewhere and that they have somebody to love them. That is where the similarities end. Cats and dogs have only physical communication in common. This is true for the Junkie/ unsuspecting other partner relationship.

Cats and dogs are great friends, and can spend much time cuddling, sharing family , sometimes even sharing food and a bed but when it comes right to it, dogs says woof, cat gets their back up , hisses, and yowls at the dog for daring to utter what sounded like it maybe could be a threatening thing to the cat. what the dog meant was woof. what the cat heard was , I'm gonna take your humans and make them all mine. complete with a flip off ( if they had middle fingers). SO really its not a decent into the seventh layer of hell that made your loving wife take your head off because you ignored her when she tried to show you the new couch cushions. Never mind the fact that she bought them thinking of you because at 6pm last Tuesday you said that the old ones hurt your back while you were watching TV. And of course you should remember that right? doesn't every one?

No it wasn't demonic possession it was just science.. you looked at her and said " woof" .

Should we revert to the cat and dog philosophy where we don't talk much, when we do we scratch each other and then cuddle like it never happened? Don't we do that anyways?

this is just fun

2009-08-02T17:30:00.000-07:00

cool little tidbits of nonesensical trivia

Confessional # 3 the F-word

2009-08-01T23:11:00.000-07:00

The F word. No not the one that you yell when you stub your toe, when your cat run across your head in the middle of the night , or when the damn dog WONT get to his own side of the bed.

I mean the one that you whisper in the dark, quietly to each other , somewhere between dinner, a bottle of wine and the sheets.

Faithful.. the F-word.

NOW, for a reassurance junkie you would think that promises of eternal faithfulness would be the thing that would give us peace at night but actually its poison. The decent to madness goes like this:

You primp, prine, swoon, practically do a jig to get someone to notice you, spend 6 months being the you that you always want to be, and deep down know there is no possible way to keep up.. all this to finally get them to look you in the eye and tell you that they arnt seeing anyone else and you can TRUST them to be all yours. THEN you have exactly one second of joy, then it happens.. someone of the opposite sex walks by. they may be across the street, 35 years older than you are , but they DARED to exist on the same planet as your now self proclaimed " faithful" partner , and your fall has begun. You think that your faithful one is already looking. They ask you whats wrong, and you shrug it off to new relationship silliness.

But the cycle has begun, every day , every minute you are together you want to know if he is still thinking that you are it, and does he mean you are really ? "IT" You start making stupid deals with yourself. AKA : If I'm not engaged in 6 months he didn't mean it and he must be cheating on me.

you start questioning him ( or her). Goes like this

" what did you do today?"

" nothing"

" just nothing? "

" yeah nothing really , had coffee with " SUE" "

" oh who's that "

" friend from work we had a break together"

" huh"

" huh what? "

" you never mentioned her before"

" oh didn't realize"

Then they are back into bliss land and your mind has dropped into the seventh layer of hell. By the time your poor bf/gf dares to ask you whats going on for dinner, you are convinced they had hot lunch sex with that whore "SUE" and you are demanding to know what you ever did to push them away.

Faithful the F word.

My advice on this one, dont say it just assume it to be true. because here it is in a nutshell, if your other is out there doing the freaky deaky with someone else , you know it. Even if they are the best liar in the world , you know it.

you get that twisted feeling in your guts, they are spending way to much time away with their " friend" ( see confessional #2 for that nightmare) they are dodgy sketchy and all together weird.

Now here is the thing that we tend to forget. IF THEY ARE CHEATING ON YOU, YOU DON'T WANT THEM ANYWAY!

It never fails to amaze me how us junkies will take the faithfully impaired back into the shop for detailing time and time again. I guess its part of being a club member, and believe me I have the flyer miles to prove it.

If they are really into you and just you , you will not have to ask, you wont be able to get rid of them long enough to worry about it, and by the time you have been together long enough to be in that " comfortable to do separate things " stage, actually whether you want to or not, your will trust them.

now, TRUST that's a 5 letter word that should never be allowed to escape the confines of legal documents.

its simple, if you have to ask them if they trust you they don't. if you have to ask yourself if you trust them , you don't.

if you don't trust your other, there is probably a good reason not to

DON'T EVEN ASK THE QUESTION.

so... avoid the descent into madness, .. in the dark .. in the car.. in the restaurant.. wherever your intimate moment is happening, look deep into your lovers eyes and whisper the only F-word that should be uttered between two self respecting adults. Food.

2009-07-31T23:44:00.001-07:00

testing testing one two..
ok you gotta check this one out www.antitorial.blogspot.com

Still rolling around laughing..

Confessional #2 Can Men and Women be friends?.

2009-07-31T23:09:00.000-07:00

What is the age old question? Is it the chicken or the egg? Is it where do babies come from? Is it IS there a god.. nope. The age old question is Can men and women be " just friends" the answer is absolutly! Just as long as you are totally 100% ok with the fact that always forever and until the end of time you will spend each day of your friendship wondering in one way or another what is is like to see that person naked, or to sleep with them, or to kiss them. The part of it is that you will never speak of these things to your supposed friend because if and when you do it will get weird. always.
Now if you are cool with this psudo safety net that ensures you will always have a companion and never actually have to deal with have a real grown up relationship then by all means have at er!. but if you are someone who is looking to fill up on good things in life like oh I don't know, self esteem, then I hate to tell you this is not healthy!
This type of friendship is a reassurance junkies heroin! Now just to be clear I am not talking about your buddy , you know the one you hang with once in a while, they're cool and make you laugh but an absolute moron with the opposite sex that you really really really would never consider sleeping with even on a dare.
NOOO I am talking about the " other friend" and you have all had one, the one you call every day to say " hi" the one you give dating advice to but secretly you are just making them think no one will be good enough for them. The one you absolutely have fantasized about at least twice. The one that you go for coffee or dinner and get irate when someone assumes you are on a date. THIS is the relationship that is our Heroin folks, you have an unfailing source of compliments , dates, laughs and phone calls that you can solicite any buddy buddy feel good comment from by saying .
" what is wrong with me, why cant I meet someone" *GROAN* really? Lets back up the bus for a second and take a good look here. you have absolutely managed to get yourself into the perfect compliment fishing pond without any of that icky relationship responsibility. Trust me when I say that if you take the play flirt too far though , you will end up naked and awkward, usually with a bad hangover and without your bestest buddy to cry on cause you just rocked his world till 6am. DO NOT take that plunge lightly, no matter what you think you cannot go back and YES IT WILL CHANGE EVERYTHING. Heed my warnings and have fun.
Now, there is one exception to all of this... the married junkie. You know who you are, the ones who can pin their spouse down for the every other minute it takes to keep them believing they are loved. You are the ones that have the compliment fishing pond all wrapped up and think you now have the perfect situation. let me clear up two misconceptions
1) Yes if you keep hanging out together you will have sex, dosnt matter if you want to or not it will happen.. refer to the first thing I said about men and women being friends
2) no matter what your spouse says they DO have a problem with your friendship.
and considering you are about to have sex with your friend I dont blame them.
So there you have it, the answer to the age old question, can men and women really be friends? Sure. But its easier to just date and get it over with.

Confessional 1

2009-07-30T23:40:00.000-07:00

Stop me if this sounds familiar... your husband or one and only says
" I love you "
you smile blissfully and for just one second your are truley happy... and then it hits..
the inner monolouge
" what do they mean? do they really mean it? was it because of last night? did they do something that I should know about? well if I can just look at them like I didnt hear then they can say it again, then I'll know for sure right?"
All the while your beloved is staring at you waiting for your hearfelt response that eventually comes out as,
" Do you really? why?"
My friends there you have it, if this sounds even a little familiar you are a die hard " Reassurance Junkie"
We are a very unique breed of junkie, we are free of support groups, other than this one, we do not have a 12 step program, a patch , gum, drug, pill, snuff , book etc etc etc to get us through. we just have our own rambling minds, cups of coffee, Earth shattering blogs and journals that tell of all the woes and wrongs that came from them not telling us we were wonderful 101 times.. Just 100.
You know who you are. You are the one that sits on the phone and has the most wonderful conversation, only to hang up and wonder why you didn't talk just 5 more minutes, were you boring? was there another call? if there was who was it?
You are the one that is told by their boss that you are fantastic.. and 5 minutes later wonder why they DARE to also compliment your co-worker , are you no longer wonderful?
You are a walking talking blown up version of every teenage angst going without the excuse.
BUT, if a junkie you are then you are welcome here.